Friday the 13th and the Pain of Letting Go

           

           Tommy Jarvis appears in three Friday the 13^th Movies (4, 5, and 6). The first movie, he is a child and attacks Jason Voorhees who is attacking his sister. The second, he is in a troubled home for youth. He keeps having flashes of Jason until Jason appears. The third begins on a stormy night. Tommy and a friend are walking through a graveyard to the grave of Jason Voorhees. Jason has destroyed Tommy’s childhood. Jason had broken Tommy mentally too. But now Tommy, who wants to make sure Jason won’t return, digs up the grave of Jason Voorhees.

            In a fit of rage while looking at the decaying body, he grabs a metal spike from the fence and begins stabbing the lifeless body. “Die!” he keeps shouting. And then leaving the spike in, he grabs gasoline to burn the body when lightning strikes the metal spike reviving Jason Voorhees.

            Slasher flicks aside, I really do like the Friday the 13^th movies. I don’t know why. I think they are predictable, but even the off humor and gore is funny. I don’t watch them a lot, but sitting down to watch this, I was struck by something.

            If Tommy hadn’t dug up Jason’s body, Jason would’ve stayed dead. If Tommy hadn’t gotten lost in his pain and anger, Jason would have remained rotted. But refusing to let it die, Tommy brought back the darkness to the world.

            I think of my own life. Are there things that I am hurt or angry about that I can’t let go? Well, yes. I think it’s true for everyone. Being hurt isn’t a bad thing and even being angry about being hurt isn’t either. I think it comes down how do we treat people when we are hurting. I know I push people away. I know I’m not the nicest person when I am going through something. And for some reason, I am highly skeptical of everyone too when I am hurting.

Matthew 11:28-30

            “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”                        

            Do we go to Christ when we are feeling overburden? Do we honestly and sincerely seek him to help us with our pain? Do we really believe that in Christ, we can find peace? I can honestly say no.

           

            What makes the 6^th Friday the 13^th movie scary is this whole slaughter is from one man’s inability to get past his own past. If Jesus is offering us a way to carry our pain, our weariness, our sadness, our burdens – then why don’t we let him? 

WHAT IS A ZOMBIE?

                A zombie is dead. Yup. That pretty much settles it. A zombie is dead and doesn’t really do much. Well until it is reanimated. But essentially most zombie lore says that zombies are dead. They have no heartbeat. They have little or no higher brain function. Dead. It’s not that zombies are dumb. Well, maybe they are, but I think it wise to say they are ignorant. A zombie doesn’t ask how this bite, harsh comment, or groan will influence the living around me. 

                A zombie is reanimated to life. Whether by a virus, an alien satellite, a voodoo doctor, cell phone signals, demonic influence, pollution, or a chemical agent created by some secretive company. The great fear of zombies is not that they are dead, but dead come back to life. How do you kill something that is already dead? You don’t. And wherever you go, zombies will be there. 

                A zombie is hungry for human flesh. He devours other people to satisfy his own needs. A zombie doesn’t think of other people. They don’t feed on each other because the flesh is rotted. In the 1985, “Return of the Living Dead”, the zombies feed to make themselves feel better. A zombie torments the living around him for his own needs. You could say a zombie derives pleasure from torment but is ignorant of his actions based on his own desires to feed. 

                A zombie has no control over his/her actions. A zombie is controlled by instinct and desire not by choice. We have for some reason connected free will to an attribute to the living. And a zombie has no free will. He is a victim of his rebirth into death. And even more frightening, a zombie doesn’t seem to be aware that he or she is a zombie. 

                How many zombies do you know? They feed on your misery to make themselves feel better? They live and feed but thrive on the decay of the world. Found throughout the Bible, is the concept that we are born separated, different from God. We possess the beautiful form and perhaps potential, but we are dead because of our evil ways. Are there zombies around you who want to eat your flesh? Are you one of them? 

                The movie “Warm Bodies” (2013) has a zombie that doesn’t want to be a zombie anymore. And what gives him the ability to overcome his desire for feeding? Love. And while zombies may not know that they are zombies, we who are alive, can help them change their desire to feed by simple love. Just don’t get eaten.

                 

               

Your Kindness is Killing ME!

            Have you ever watched Red Dragon (2002) and sat back thinking, wow, the killer isn’t that bad of a guy. I mean, yes, he’s killing entire families and he’s plotting an atrocious murder while on a date with a blind woman. But there’s a scene where he takes a blind woman to see a tiger who is sedated. She comments early in the film that she remembers seeing a tiger when she was little. He brings her into the zoo where a tiger is laying on a table. She ruffles the tiger’s fur. And there’s a moment, a pause where you think “Wow, that’s sweet.”

            This is one of the best parts of the movie. This is a part where you know that you’re in too deep. You have empathized with a serial killer, a brutal serial killer. Someone who you can’t justify his actions like you can with Dexter Morgan, but someone who is deeply troubled but has just done something so sweet that it’s moving.

           

            Proverbs 12:10 says: “The righteous care for the needs of their animals, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel.”

            My first thought, something I’ve thought for a long time is – does that mean that everyone who is “not righteous” committing only evil and incapable of good? Well, maybe. I’m mean, I’m not here to lay down this theology and I’m uncomfortable making declarations of faith based on one verse alone, but maybe….

            But as I watch the woman ruffle the tiger’s fur, I consider, what if the woman’s pain when Edward Norton brings the serial killer to justice, is too much to bear? Making the serial killer’s kindness a curse to her.

            Another thought is- The Bible says in other places “there is no one righteous” (Romans 3 – better to just read entire chapter). “No one is righteous”.  Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought that my kindness might just be undermined by my evil? Have you ever considered that we are all evil?

            I know this isn’t a popular thought. We’re all basically good people just sometimes we’re capable of genocide, murder, rape, theft, and a laundry list of evil deeds. Or it’s not us; it’s other people who are capable. So today, ask yourself, is my evil causing my kindness to be cruel? Maybe when they say kill them with kindness, what you’re really doing is hurting them because sometimes you’re kind and sometimes you’re cruel.

WHY I DON’T WANT TO BE VULNERABLE AT THE CHURCH… or anywhere else for that matter….

          A friend just sent me an article about a gay man who was a Christian blogger and claimed he was “cured” of his sexuality. And it recently was found out that he wasn’t. What happened here? Do we tell people they need to be straight in order to be in the church? Well, yes. Is that right? Well, ____. When we lay down rules for people that contradict their nature and have a desire to belong, they will naturally avoid true vulnerability and begin wearing a mask.

          I’m not saying here that we should not have expectations of behavior, but what I asking is: are we creating an environment that prevents people from being honest and vulnerable?  

REASONS I TELL MYSELF

            I default to a self-perception that I am a 21st century man. I tell myself I walk with little or no prejudice against race, sex, or orientation. I believe in equality and desire that everyone should love each other. The reality is though, the prejudice I keep is more personality driven. There are personalities that I naturally avoid or disconnect.

           When I think of the word vulnerability, I am surprisingly comfortable with it as long as it is a place where I am safe. If I am sharing something about myself – I don’t want to fear ridicule. Silence is an important tool for me to control my surroundings because I don’t want to be hurt. Isn’t this the natural desire with vulnerability? The other reaction that is common is when people are violent with their vulnerability and share too much. And they usually aren’t saying this aloud, but I hear them forcing vulnerability on people who don’t want it, don’t ask for it and I dare say, don’t deserve it. Without realizing it, they’re pushing people away. And even then, can we call it really vulnerability?

           When I perceive that someone isn’t really listening or apathetic, abrasive or arrogant, ignorant or weak, over emotional or not emotional enough, I naturally put up walls. I play the silence game or respond in way that is more aggressive then I want to act. The irony being I’m creating the same perception in the other person when I respond this way. I become what I dislike about other people.  

The Reality is….

            Last night, I had a dream that there was a bunch of animals talking. A werewolf was walking around the pack of animals asking who shared this information. When a cowardly animal raised his paw, the werewolf shot him in the head with a gun. I woke realizing they were all me. I don’t want to share and when I do, I fight the urge to share again. I judge myself too harshly for what I share and who I am.

          This comes from shame, which states, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” While I may have reasons for avoiding vulnerability, the truth is while environment is a factor that is important for us to consider, it is shame that keeps me from being open.

          Environment and the people around me need to be safe for me to share but often I have trouble recognizing what makes a place to share myself. And even then the question: Who am I? Encompasses not just my past, my desires, my hobbies, my fears, my passions, or my loved ones… but more.

           So Sunday morning comes around and I wonder will these people really accept me? Most of the time I want to think yes and there are moments where I blatantly think, “well no”. I think this may even come back to my relationship with God. Thinking of God saying, “I love u… but…” Is that how God really is? I think we’ve painted him looking down from heaven loving us, but shaking his head disapprovingly on things we say or do? What if the love of God just didn’t do that? What if perception was not perception but rather projection? Me projecting my shame onto what God really thinks about me? And if God really is not shaking his head down on me, than what is to keep me from being open with who I am in a place that is gathered in the spirit of this head unshaken God?

          I guess I have might have a dream for what church should be and it conflicts with what church generally is. While I have my issues, I find that in order to create community we need to allow grace and vulnerability. Vulnerability needs to come from the leaders to demonstrate what it looks like to survive this sometimes-painful thing called life.

          Two more thoughts, (1) Bob Dylan quotes his grandmother in “Chronicles Volume 1” saying, “Be nice to everyone for everyone is fighting a hard battle.” (2) Brene Brown says in her book “Daring Greatly”, “When religious leaders leverage our fear and need for more certainty by extracting vulnerability from spirituality and turning faith into ‘compliance and consequences,’ rather than teaching and modeling how to wrestle with the unknown and how to embrace mystery, the entire concept of faith is bankrupt on its own terms. Faith minus vulnerability equals politics, or worse extremism.”