WHY I DON’T WANT TO BE VULNERABLE AT THE CHURCH… or anywhere else for that matter….

          A friend just sent me an article about a gay man who was a Christian blogger and claimed he was “cured” of his sexuality. And it recently was found out that he wasn’t. What happened here? Do we tell people they need to be straight in order to be in the church? Well, yes. Is that right? Well, ____. When we lay down rules for people that contradict their nature and have a desire to belong, they will naturally avoid true vulnerability and begin wearing a mask.

          I’m not saying here that we should not have expectations of behavior, but what I asking is: are we creating an environment that prevents people from being honest and vulnerable?  

REASONS I TELL MYSELF

            I default to a self-perception that I am a 21st century man. I tell myself I walk with little or no prejudice against race, sex, or orientation. I believe in equality and desire that everyone should love each other. The reality is though, the prejudice I keep is more personality driven. There are personalities that I naturally avoid or disconnect.

           When I think of the word vulnerability, I am surprisingly comfortable with it as long as it is a place where I am safe. If I am sharing something about myself – I don’t want to fear ridicule. Silence is an important tool for me to control my surroundings because I don’t want to be hurt. Isn’t this the natural desire with vulnerability? The other reaction that is common is when people are violent with their vulnerability and share too much. And they usually aren’t saying this aloud, but I hear them forcing vulnerability on people who don’t want it, don’t ask for it and I dare say, don’t deserve it. Without realizing it, they’re pushing people away. And even then, can we call it really vulnerability?

           When I perceive that someone isn’t really listening or apathetic, abrasive or arrogant, ignorant or weak, over emotional or not emotional enough, I naturally put up walls. I play the silence game or respond in way that is more aggressive then I want to act. The irony being I’m creating the same perception in the other person when I respond this way. I become what I dislike about other people.  

The Reality is….

            Last night, I had a dream that there was a bunch of animals talking. A werewolf was walking around the pack of animals asking who shared this information. When a cowardly animal raised his paw, the werewolf shot him in the head with a gun. I woke realizing they were all me. I don’t want to share and when I do, I fight the urge to share again. I judge myself too harshly for what I share and who I am.

          This comes from shame, which states, “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” While I may have reasons for avoiding vulnerability, the truth is while environment is a factor that is important for us to consider, it is shame that keeps me from being open.

          Environment and the people around me need to be safe for me to share but often I have trouble recognizing what makes a place to share myself. And even then the question: Who am I? Encompasses not just my past, my desires, my hobbies, my fears, my passions, or my loved ones… but more.

           So Sunday morning comes around and I wonder will these people really accept me? Most of the time I want to think yes and there are moments where I blatantly think, “well no”. I think this may even come back to my relationship with God. Thinking of God saying, “I love u… but…” Is that how God really is? I think we’ve painted him looking down from heaven loving us, but shaking his head disapprovingly on things we say or do? What if the love of God just didn’t do that? What if perception was not perception but rather projection? Me projecting my shame onto what God really thinks about me? And if God really is not shaking his head down on me, than what is to keep me from being open with who I am in a place that is gathered in the spirit of this head unshaken God?

          I guess I have might have a dream for what church should be and it conflicts with what church generally is. While I have my issues, I find that in order to create community we need to allow grace and vulnerability. Vulnerability needs to come from the leaders to demonstrate what it looks like to survive this sometimes-painful thing called life.

          Two more thoughts, (1) Bob Dylan quotes his grandmother in “Chronicles Volume 1” saying, “Be nice to everyone for everyone is fighting a hard battle.” (2) Brene Brown says in her book “Daring Greatly”, “When religious leaders leverage our fear and need for more certainty by extracting vulnerability from spirituality and turning faith into ‘compliance and consequences,’ rather than teaching and modeling how to wrestle with the unknown and how to embrace mystery, the entire concept of faith is bankrupt on its own terms. Faith minus vulnerability equals politics, or worse extremism.”